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Q-Q
Ca Choo
By
Billy Pilgrim
It turns out that we’re all
going to die in 2014. I came upon this lovely tidbit of information in
Mr. Lammert’s Astronomy class and decided to look into it. After all,
it’s not every day that a 1.2 kilometer-wide asteroid hits the Earth.
They call it “2003 Q-Q 47.” It
was spotted in June of 2003 at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in
California. The asteroid has been given something called a “Tarino
hazard rating of 1” meaning it merits “careful monitoring.” I am
not entirely sure who Tarino is. Maybe he’s the sharp intellect who
leaked Q-Q 47 to the media, and instead of issuing a pay cut, NASA is
forcing him stare at it for the next ten years. Way to go, buddy.
An asteroid of this size is not
big enough to, say, crack the earth in half. However, it will cause
catastrophic local damage and widespread global damage. Anyone lucky
enough to be at ground zero when it hits will be instantly charred as
the oxygen in our air incinerates. Massive shockwaves will reverberate
across the ground, or, if the asteroid hits the ocean, tidal waves will
completely flood neighboring coasts. Either upon impact or during the
ensuing “impact winter,” where crops will wither and disease will
run rampant, the average human will sustain a 1 in 20,000 chance of
dying. Cooking in a human barbeque or wasting away through plague and
starvation; neither prospect sounds tempting.
At first I was horrified. In a
decade, in just ten short revolutions around the sun, the world as we
know it will end! But then I started researching and realized that
movies like Deep Impact and Armageddon really don’t do
global catastrophes any justice. It may seem that being incinerated is
gruesome—that the practical decimation of a prosperous species in a
single instant is unjust and cruel… but is it, really? Frankly, I
think that this intergalactic chunk of apocalypse will solve all our
problems.
Are you drowning in debt? Are you
constantly hassled by credit card companies? Don’t take out that
second mortgage on your house, silly! You don’t need to pay back a
penny of what you owe. Q-Q 47 is ten times better than any
debt-consolidation management. Once it hits, your debt will be instantly
erased in a tidal wave of fire and debris. And if you’re lucky, you
may live to dance on your bankers’ graves.
Feel like you’re in a worthless
dead-end job? Stop sucking up to your boss—quit. Go live off the land
somewhere deep in the mountains. Get in touch with nature while it’s
still there. And most importantly, don’t worry about paying your
smart-alecky kids through medical school. They’re not going to get
there!
Do you find yourself constantly
worrying about the environment? Don’t use plastic instead of paper,
don’t carpool, and don’t recycle. Forget about global warming, the
thinning ozone layer above Australia, the depleted natural resources,
and acid rain. All that silliness will be nothing to worry about once
our space wonder comes a-knocking. Trust me. The acid rain will only get
worse. Massive amounts of carbon dioxide launched into the atmosphere by
the explosion will guarantee a global toasting. Conveniently, the
thinned ozone layer may reduce atmospheric friction and actually help
Q-Q get here faster.
Here’s what I suggest. Stop
worrying about the debilitating problems of the everyday world. Go out
and enjoy your last ten years on earth. When impact time rolls around,
plan a party. Bring some snazzy sunglasses to protect against the
blinding glare. Get a bottle of expensive champagne. You may want to
consider stealing it to save yourself the hassle of last-minute
expenses. Also, remember to bag a lunch, because no one likes a hungry
grouch ruining their Armageddon party. It’ll be great.
Oh, and one more thing. Make sure
you lock your front door before you head off to the party, so your house
isn’t burglarized in the event that Q-Q 47 doesn’t hit.
Unfortunately, there’s only a 1 in 909,000 chance that it will.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need
to go recycle my pop cans, return my sunglasses, and file for
bankruptcy.
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