|
Healthy
Guy
By
David J. LeMaster
September 10
Dear Healthy Guy Sandwiches,
Bravo! Your new Turkey, Lettuce
and Tomato on Rye is the best sandwich I’ve ever tasted. It’s your
patented “Secret” Sauce that makes it great. How do you make that
sauce? It’s a wonderful, tangy sensation of mustard and honey with
just a hint of citrus—crazy but delicious!
Cordially,
J. Edmund Beasley
A loyal fan
September 15
Dear Healthy Guy Sandwiches,
You did it again. The new Healthy
Grilled Chicken Sandwich with “Secret” Sauce is a coup de grace. And
just to think—it’s only 95 calories and 5 grams of fat!
Please think about creating a new
healthy shrimp or crab salad. I’m a seafood lover, and I’d certainly
love to try shrimp with that tangy “Secret” Sauce.
Yours,
J. Edmund Beasley
A loyal fan
September 20
Dear Healthy Guy,
Tonight’s newscast says you lost
millions last quarter and are closing some stores. Why? How could the
world not understand the benefits of the new Healthy Roast Beef with
Secret Sauce? To tell the truth, I think it’s your commercials. They’re
quite egregious. How about a nice new jingle, or something where your
customers give testimonials?
Just a suggestion,
J. Edmund Beasley
September 28
Dear Healthy Guy:
I just saw your new commercial.
Are you insane??? It’s infantile. It’s ludicrous. It’s
embarrassing. What audience are you targeting? Old people? They don’t
even have teeth. Young people? The commercial is too stupid. We laugh in
your face! In short, you’ll never get new customers by showing some
dude in a heart costume working out on a cardio machine and eating
Healthy Guy Sandwiches! Equally bad is your slogan, the dreadful visual
and aural pun, “Toast to your health.” And I hate the end where the
heart guy bandies about with a second idiot dressed in a “toast”
costume. Whichever criminal from Madison Avenue sold you this inane
drivel should be shot. You deserve far better than this mindless tripe.
Please.
I adore your Jerky Turkey. I love
your Chicken Ala Healthy. And most of all, I have cravings at night for
your “Secret Sauce.” Please, whatever you do, find a better
campaign. If you go under, I don’t know what I’d do.
Concerned,
J. E. Beasley
October 1
Dear Healthy Guy,
I’ve been thinking about this.
Here’s the deal. Your largest competitor (which shall go unnamed)
recently launched a campaign featuring a college student who only ate
their food and, as a result, achieved substantial weight loss.
Consequently, they’ve made a fortune selling “healthy” food to
weight conscious people.
In the meantime, you’re nearly
bankrupt.
But take heart (pardon the pun)
Healthy Guy! I write you with an idea designed to save you from
bankruptcy, and to bring additional fame and fortune to yours truly. For
I, as I humbly address you, am also overweight—in fact, my doctor
tells me I’m nearly a hundred pounds overweight, and I have considered
stomach stapling, and he’s put me on Lipitor. But I digress. I am,
dear Healthy Guy, in need of a weight loss program. And you’re in need
of a spokesman. The answer is obvious. I’ll stop eating burgers and
fries and dine only at Healthy Guy, and you’ll make me your new
spokesperson and give me free sandwiches and such.
Although I’m sure the guy on
their commercials is making a healthy salary, I won’t ask to be paid
until my weight is off. I only need free food.
I’ve enclosed a photograph of
myself for future proof of my accomplishments.
Please write me back soon and send
me coupons or vouchers or something so I can get my free sandwiches.
Your Humble Servant,
J. Edmund Beasley
October 10
Dear Healthy Guy Sandwiches,
I’m concerned that I haven’t
yet heard from you. In my last letter I made you a legitimate business
offer and you’ve failed to acknowledge it. Please be informed that I
am confident of your good judgment and believe your response has simply
been delayed due to bureaucratic difficulties, or otherwise was lost in
the mail.
Cordially,
J. Edmund Beasley
October 15
Dear Healthy Guy:
I have still not received a
response to my business venture of October 10. Nevertheless, I started
my diet already, and you owe me $79.54 for five lunches and five dinners
at your establishment. Enclosed, please find my receipts.
Yours,
J. Edmund Beasley
P.S. Please send back the
receipts, as I need them for my tax records.
(Turn
the page) |
