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Cover
Table of Contents
Editor's Notes
Donations
Submission Guidelines
Website

Stories & Essays
Balance
_
By Alison Baumy
Contemporary Cultural Differences...
_ By Ninni Siurua
Eclipsed Yesterdays
_ By Clyde Windjammer
Healthy Guy
_ By David J. LeMaster
Immortalis Letum
_ By Sophie Davis
Last Call For Salvation
_ By Angela P. Markham
My Fault
_ By Ro Thorton
Pacific Northwest
_ By Aaron Hellem
Q-Q Ca Choo
_ By Billy Pilgrim
The Best Laid Plans
_ By John A. Ward
The Ecstasy of Cooking
_ By Sam Nolting
The Girl With the Green Umbrella
_ By J.R. Earlebeck
The Gods of Houston
_ By Rebekah Frumkin

Poetry
Athena's Owl
_ By Amberly Mason
But I Have Never Known This
_ By Kaleen Love
Clouds On Your Floor
_ By Savannah Bobo
Crowded Lobby
_ By M. Blair Spiva
Ever After
_ By Bennie Johnson
Important Questions
_ By P.T. Bell
Migration
_ By Sarah Wassberg
Moon Goddess
_ By Kristina Diane Smith
Oldest Profession
_ By Ashley Polker
On Visiting Hay-on-Wye
_ By M. Blair Spiva
Sodom and Gomorrah
_ By Jessica Fannin
Wal-Mart
_ By P.T. Bell

Art & Photography
Jeremy Harker
_ Paintings
Douglas C. Knight
_ Photography
Jed Knox
_ Paintings and Drawings
May Ann Licudine
_ Paintings
Danny Malboeuf
_ Paintings
Alex Stanbury
_ Photography

Healthy Guy
By David J. LeMaster


September 10

Dear Healthy Guy Sandwiches,

Bravo! Your new Turkey, Lettuce and Tomato on Rye is the best sandwich I’ve ever tasted. It’s your patented “Secret” Sauce that makes it great. How do you make that sauce? It’s a wonderful, tangy sensation of mustard and honey with just a hint of citrus—crazy but delicious!

Cordially,
J. Edmund Beasley
A loyal fan

 

September 15

Dear Healthy Guy Sandwiches,

You did it again. The new Healthy Grilled Chicken Sandwich with “Secret” Sauce is a coup de grace. And just to think—it’s only 95 calories and 5 grams of fat!

Please think about creating a new healthy shrimp or crab salad. I’m a seafood lover, and I’d certainly love to try shrimp with that tangy “Secret” Sauce.

Yours,
J. Edmund Beasley
A loyal fan

 

September 20

Dear Healthy Guy,

Tonight’s newscast says you lost millions last quarter and are closing some stores. Why? How could the world not understand the benefits of the new Healthy Roast Beef with Secret Sauce? To tell the truth, I think it’s your commercials. They’re quite egregious. How about a nice new jingle, or something where your customers give testimonials?

Just a suggestion,
J. Edmund Beasley

 

September 28

Dear Healthy Guy:

I just saw your new commercial. Are you insane??? It’s infantile. It’s ludicrous. It’s embarrassing. What audience are you targeting? Old people? They don’t even have teeth. Young people? The commercial is too stupid. We laugh in your face! In short, you’ll never get new customers by showing some dude in a heart costume working out on a cardio machine and eating Healthy Guy Sandwiches! Equally bad is your slogan, the dreadful visual and aural pun, “Toast to your health.” And I hate the end where the heart guy bandies about with a second idiot dressed in a “toast” costume. Whichever criminal from Madison Avenue sold you this inane drivel should be shot. You deserve far better than this mindless tripe. Please.

I adore your Jerky Turkey. I love your Chicken Ala Healthy. And most of all, I have cravings at night for your “Secret Sauce.” Please, whatever you do, find a better campaign. If you go under, I don’t know what I’d do.

Concerned,
J. E. Beasley

 

October 1

Dear Healthy Guy,

I’ve been thinking about this. Here’s the deal. Your largest competitor (which shall go unnamed) recently launched a campaign featuring a college student who only ate their food and, as a result, achieved substantial weight loss. Consequently, they’ve made a fortune selling “healthy” food to weight conscious people.

In the meantime, you’re nearly bankrupt.

But take heart (pardon the pun) Healthy Guy! I write you with an idea designed to save you from bankruptcy, and to bring additional fame and fortune to yours truly. For I, as I humbly address you, am also overweight—in fact, my doctor tells me I’m nearly a hundred pounds overweight, and I have considered stomach stapling, and he’s put me on Lipitor. But I digress. I am, dear Healthy Guy, in need of a weight loss program. And you’re in need of a spokesman. The answer is obvious. I’ll stop eating burgers and fries and dine only at Healthy Guy, and you’ll make me your new spokesperson and give me free sandwiches and such.

Although I’m sure the guy on their commercials is making a healthy salary, I won’t ask to be paid until my weight is off. I only need free food.

I’ve enclosed a photograph of myself for future proof of my accomplishments.

Please write me back soon and send me coupons or vouchers or something so I can get my free sandwiches.

Your Humble Servant,
J. Edmund Beasley

 

October 10

Dear Healthy Guy Sandwiches,

I’m concerned that I haven’t yet heard from you. In my last letter I made you a legitimate business offer and you’ve failed to acknowledge it. Please be informed that I am confident of your good judgment and believe your response has simply been delayed due to bureaucratic difficulties, or otherwise was lost in the mail.

Cordially,
J. Edmund Beasley

 

October 15

Dear Healthy Guy:

I have still not received a response to my business venture of October 10. Nevertheless, I started my diet already, and you owe me $79.54 for five lunches and five dinners at your establishment. Enclosed, please find my receipts.

Yours,
J. Edmund Beasley

P.S. Please send back the receipts, as I need them for my tax records.

(Turn the page)