Table of Contents
A Wedding Toast For Daddy's
_ By Miriam N. Kotzin
_ By Debbi Pless
_ By Rachel Miller
Hearts Without Armor
Angela P. Markham
Mental Constipation and Brain Vomit
My Best Subject
Requiem For An Author
Sometimes It Pours Only Dogs
The Black Tape
A Slave To Time
Death By My Lover
I Am A Pineapple
Lament For the Lost Soldier
Left Silent To Dream of Wine
Ode To Microsoft Spell Cheque
Reminiscent of Society As An Individual
The Raven and the Dove
David C. Clarke
Throughout the history of earth, school children have been forced to study history. I am, however, glad that we must endure through this because history is my favorite subject and also one of my best.
History was invented in the seventeenth century to make school children everywhere cringe. This was and still is especially true for students in junior high and high schools. Despite complaints on campuses everywhere, this practice continues. And throughout this time only one issue remains constant: no teacher gets anywhere near the present time in history. Oh sure, they come close, thirty years if they are lucky, but never do they ever get to anything modern. This is the reason why many children today have never learned the outcomes of World War II, Korea, Vietnam, or the Gulf War. The last one by the way was a huge American success. Why else would that crazy guy keep showing up on the news? Despite a lack of knowledge or interest, some figures and events stand out in history.
I have learned so much from my history classes throughout my school years. I would like to start in the time before Christ. Throughout Ancient Egyptian history there have been rulers known as Pharaohs. One of the most famous Pharaohs was King Tut. King Tut was “born in Arizona but later moved to Babalonia” as quoted from the famous Steve Martin song about Tut’s life. At the age of nine he became the boy king because he was a boy, and everyone knows that little boys make the best rulers. Just look at the Dolly Llama. Because of his age, Tut had two advisors, Oy and Hormel, who helped him with his kingly tasks. In order to become better educated, Tut decided to move back to America and go to school in Memphis, which was also near Cairo. At this time, he also changed his name in the traditional Muslim tradition from Tutankhaten to Tutankhamun. Either way he was still a
Near the end of his reign, Tut decided to help the King of Syria battle the Hippies. It was during this time that Tut died, as most eighteen to nineteen year old boys do, under unexpected circumstances. He was made into a mummy because it was the style of the time. His impact on history you ask? Well no one even knew about the guy until the 1920s. But he’s the only Pharaoh anyone ever talks about in school so he has to be important. Well there was the Rameses guy, but Moses took care of him. Either way, Tut is important because he’s the only one we ever get to by the time the Egyptian unit starts, which is why he stands out.
Ancient Grease has had many lasting effects on the twentieth century. The Greeks invented the Olympic Games. They competed in all the events in the nude. They did this because they could not afford to get their togas dirty and the fact that the washing machine had not been invented yet. Socrates (So-crates) was a very important philosopher of the period. Many of Socrates’ inventions, like his Socratic Method, are still followed today. In fact the Socratic Method is fast replacing the Scientific Method in American Schools. Play-doh was a student of Socrates. He wrote down all of Socrates’ ideas because Socrates was too lazy to do it himself. He also wrote the
Republic, which has been a very big influence on the Republican Party in the last sixty years.
The Roman Empire is another one of my favorite periods of history. Julius Caesar was an important person in the beginning of the empire. If it weren’t for him we might not have ever had the joys of eating Caesar salad or the dressing that it accompanies. Caesar had an affair with the Queen of Egypt, Cleopatra, and they had a child, Caesar Jr. His friend Brutus, along with several other statesmen, assassinated Julius Caesar. His final words to Brutus were, “Et tu Brute” which translates into, “Me too Brutus”. Several years later the Roman Empire was the most powerful empire in the world. It stayed successful for a very long time as it conquered more land.
The Empire began its decline after Jesus Christ was born and the rise of Christianity began. Christians in the Roman Empire were persecuted severely. They were tortured in public stadiums for the entertainment of the noble class. The nobles enjoyed this violent torture; it was the only form of entertainment that occurred on a daily basis, because Jerry Springer had not been invented yet. Soon afterwards, Christianity flourished throughout the empire so the Emperor decided to give it up; therefore, the Roman Empire fell.
The Spanish Inquisition has had a lasting effect on our society. The Pythons were right when they said nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition. The Spanish were persecuting the Jews for not converting to Catholicism, and for the fact that they were jealous of their riches. This was later, very accurately, reinterpreted in the Mel Brooks film
History of the World: Part I. The film even included the song that accompanied the torturing of the sinners. Of course the Hebrew people did triumph eventually by going into space. This is also accurately reinterpreted in a preview for
History of the World: Part II.
Another period of history that I like is the War of the Roses, which occurred at some point during the Middle Ages. The War of the Roses was really a bloody civil war involving a disputed rose garden. It was fought between the Duke of Lancaster and the Duke of York, and was all about who had the rights to King Edward III’s rose garden. Something of this caliber would not be a big deal today, but the plague had killed many roses, so they were rare and valuable now. Some people will tell you that the whole war was about the King’s legitimacy, but they’re wrong. It’s really mostly about the rose garden. However there are some ties to that event and what happened in England afterward.
The red rose represented the Lancaster house, which left the York’s with white. They did not want to go with that color, but pink was too girly, violets were blue, and the yellow rose of Texas was, well, in Texas. After decades of fighting over the
garden and several deaths, a third house, Tudor, was put on the throne, but since his mother was related to the Lancaster’s they got the garden anyway. Strange isn’t it? There is a popular song about this event, but they changed “Lancaster” to “Earl”, because it
rhymes better. It would be funny to hear “Duke Duke Duke Duke of Lancaster”. It just doesn’t fit the rhythm at all. You’re probably wondering how this influenced history as well. Well it only did in England, because somehow this whole garden conflict kept the King system in place as an actual ruler and not just a puppet ruler like it is today.